Road House

Review by Erin Rose Almaraz

I’ve never seen Dirty Dancing. 

When I tell other women this their reaction would suggest there is no bigger transgression that could be committed against our gender. I’ve never seen Dirty Dancing because any time I’ve even considered watching it I’ve opted to watch Road House instead. I mean, its kind of a no brainer in my book that if you’re going to watch a Patrick Swayze movie, its going to be Road House.

Road House is the perfect movie. Whether you’re looking for action or romance, Road House has it all. It has tons of fighting, explosions, cars being run over by monster trucks, naked Patrick Swayze, naked Kelly Lynch, the drop dead gorgeous Sam Elliott, Sam Elliott’s pubes, John Doe from X, Swayze ripping out throats with his bare hands, the unlikely love story of a bouncer and doctor, a true crime origin, the single most bizarre mid fight confession -“I used to fuck guys like you in prison,” - and so much more. It’s impossible to contain all the awesomeness of Road House in a single article. Unnecessary too, why read about it when you could just be watching it? (Editor’s note: please finish reading the review)

If you haven’t seen Road House I really feel as though you’re not living your life to its fullest potential. I’ve seen it 9 times this year. It’s January 20th. That’s how good it is. I’ll do my best to give a spoiler free synopsis though you may want to watch it before reading about its rumored origin. Road House follows Swayze’s Dalton, the best bouncer in the business/sensitive philosophy major. Dalton is hired by Tilghman, a good guy that looks like a bad guy, to come clean up his bar the Double Deuce, “the kind of place where they sweep up the eyeballs after closing.” Dalton starts his new gig by getting rid of unsavory staff including Pat, the nephew of real bad guy Brad Wesely. After Dalton refuses to hire back his nephew and becomes romantically involved with his old love interest, Wesely wages war on Dalton and in turn the whole town of Jasper, Missouri.

My fellow true crime nerds will be interested to know that Road House has long been rumored to be a highly fabricated retelling of the murder of Ken McElroy. If you’re not familiar, McElroy was an all around bad dude from Skidmore, Missouri. He was accused of everything from molesting children to hog and cattle rustling. However, the only thing he was ever convicted of was the assault of grocery store owner Ernest Bowenkamp whom he shot in the neck. McElroy was released on bail pending an appeal after the trial. It was shortly after that McElroy was shot several times and killed while sitting in his truck in front of upwards of 40 people. Not a single person called an ambulance, and with the exception of McElroy’s wife none of the witnesses were able to name an assailant since they claimed to not have seen who fired the shots. No charges were ever filed in Ken McElroys death.

So, no, I haven’t seen Dirty Dancing. Nor do I see that changing anytime soon. Instead I will continue to get nipple to nipple with Road House every chance I get and I urge you to do the same